One of the first things you do when you undertake therapy training is an empathy test.

You might think that the idea is to score as high as possible. I mean, who wouldn’t want an empath as a therapist who is willing to go above and beyond for their clients? Shock of the century; most of budding therapists score exceptionally well.

Upon completing this test – amongst the cheers, inflated egos, and consolidation of high empathy markers – we are asked a simple question:

“Can you fix the problems in your clients’ lives?”

Unsure, the general consensus is that “yes, we can. If not us, then who?”

Our answer is wrong. Confidently, our teacher enlightens us to the fundamental purpose of therapeutic intervention:

“Fixing someone is not the role of the therapist. It is to help them find the answers they need to fix themselves.”

But why?

The truth is, it is misguided to believe that we can or should fix the problems in another person’s life. Only that person, and that person alone (short of being infantile) has the responsibility to embrace change, should they want it.

In other words, you can’t solve a person’s dilemma, nor should you try. Only they have the answers.  

What we aren’t taught in school is to listen to understand, not fix. When having a mental health conversation, this is absolutely vital; and yet, we jump to problem-solving as a means of help-giving. This doesn’t mean we are bad people; it simply means that we see another person struggling so we jump to what we know in order to assist them. While having a mental health conversation however, it is important to remember that offering advice is not best practice. It is helping that person feel understood.

When we listen to understand and not fix, we actually simplify the process of having these difficult conversations. We start to replace phrases like “have you tried” with “tell me more.” We sit in silence rather than feeling the urge to speak. We help the person feel truly heard.

Put simply, a perfectly handled mental health conversation is to listen with the intent of truly understanding. We also want to encourage them to continue speaking by showing our appreciation – a simple “thanks so much for telling me” can go a long way.

We always want to consolidate what we are told by employing clarifying questions preceded by phrases such as “so if I’m hearing you correctly, you are feeling _____?” and then validate and normalise what we hear by saying something like “it makes sense that you’re feeling this way. I think anyone going through this would feel the same.” We are being fundamentally non-judgemental while simultaneously encouraging them to tell us more.

Broken down, a mental health conversation should be the process of asking questions (open-ended are best) and then reflecting on what we are being told in a non-judgemental way. It is simple but also counterintuitive – our brains are designed to problem-solve after all.

Some other techniques we can use are ‘I’ statements – preferencing the use of ‘I’ and ‘my’ over ‘you’ where possible. For example, “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately. I’m worried about you.” Statements like these come across as less judgemental then “you’ve been acting really strange. You’ve been really angry and withdrawn.”

‘I’ statements are great introductions for mental health conversations. Because mental illness is so stigmatised, it is often near impossible to ask for support. Using an ‘I’ statement therefore gives the person the opportunity to talk about what’s happening for them without fear of judgement.

Another great technique is the use of minimal encouragers. Most of our communication is non-verbal, so we’d want to harness this. Simple head nodding, eye contact (if appropriate), “mmmhmms” and “ahas” can be powerful tools to show that you are listening. My personal favourite is to turn my phone over so it’s facing down, or even to say, “I’m just going to turn my phone off.”

Here is an example of a perfectly managed mental health conversation in the workplace between Bill (the helper) and Dan (the person in need of help). The text in bold is Bill, and the text in italics is Dan. Bill has noticed that Dan’s mood is flat, and he’s more grumpy and withdrawn than usual.

Example Conversation

“Hi Dan. Do you have a spare ten minutes? Maybe we could grab a coffee?”

“Yeah I guess…what’s up?”

“I hope I’m not being too forward here, but I’ve just noticed you haven’t been your usual self lately. I just wanted to check in”

“Yeah…I’ve got some stuff going on at the moment”

“I’m all ears. Tell me more”

“I just found out that my mum was diagnosed with cancer. I’m really worried to be honest”

“Oh Dan, that sounds so tough. I really appreciate you letting me know. Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling?”

“I’m just feeling like it’s so unfair. I’m really angry about it to be honest. She’s such an amazing person, and she gets cancer?”

“I think feeling angry is completely understandable right now. It doesn’t sound fair to me.”

“Yeah. It just sucks so much. I don’t know what I’d do if she died.”

“I can’t imagine how much it sucks right now Dan. I know I can’t take that pain from you, but I want you to know that I’m here for you okay?”

“Thanks Bill. I really appreciate that.”

“Anytime Dan. Do you mind if I keep checking in just to see how you’re traveling?”

“I’d like that. Thanks again. It feels good to talk about this.”

No fixing. No problem solving. Simply good old-fashioned empathy and understanding. Listening to understand, not to fix. A perfect mental health conversation.

Below I’ve listed some phrases to add to your toolbox. I hope you find them to be useful.

What Are Some Things I Could Say?

“What’s going on for you?”

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through”

“Do you want me to help, or just listen?”

“Help me understand”

“That’s understandable”

“That makes sense”

“I’d feel the same way if that happened to me”

“I have no idea what that must be like you for you”

“I really appreciate you letting me know”

“You’re really brave/courageous for telling me that”

“Mental illness is common, and it’s treatable”

“I wish I could take that pain from you”

“I’m willing to share that burden if you’ll let me”

“I think you’re doing amazingly considering everything that is going on for you”

“Have you spoken to anyone else about this?”

“I really appreciate that you trust me enough to talk about this”

“I appreciate your vulnerability”

“I know it feels hopeless right now, but there is help available”

“I’m here with you”

Located in the US and interested in the benefits of at home psychedelics therapy? Try Innerwell today!