Since 1938, Harvard Medical School has been conducting a study on humans known as The Grant Study. It is the largest and longest-running study on humans ever conducted. The premise of The Grant Study is simple: what makes humans flourish? Basically, The Grant Study is determined to find the key indicator of joy and longevity in humans.

The main conclusion to be drawn from this 86-year ongoing study is simple: if you have warm, nurturing, and deep relationships with other people, you’re likely to live longer and be happier.

So, the number one key indicator of happiness in humans is the strength of their relationships to other humans. Put simply: If you want to be happy, bond deeply and work to maintain your relationships.

For a social species like Homo Sapiens, it isn’t all that surprising to hear this – but it is often overlooked. In order to be considered “successful” we are often persuaded to focus the majority of our attention on financial equilibrium and material accumulation. Short on time to foster our deep connections with others, we opt to utilise short-term hedonistic pleasures to increase our experiences of joy. Rarely do we slow down enough to consider that our relationships with others should be our preeminent focus. It’s certainly not something we are taught – and we seldom perceive strong relationships as a marker of success (even though, interestingly, The Grant Study has found that financial success is primarily predicated on the forging of strong relationships – not high IQ, as would be expected).

Conversely, we see loneliness as a key contributor to premature death. People that report feeling lonely have higher rates of heart disease, stroke, mental illness, and type 2 diabetes. In fact, according to the World Health Organisation, loneliness is the equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. According to the statistics, if you’re lonely and without strong relationships, you simply won’t live as long as your socially connected peers, and your quality of life will suffer greatly.

Fortunately, if you are feeling lonely, disconnected or socially isolated, there is a cure:

Vulnerability.

It is common to see loneliness stem from fears related to social rejection, embarrassment, and humiliation. In other words, loneliness often stems from forms of social anxiety (a completely normal protective instinct). It is so normal, in fact, that the most commonly diagnosed mental illness worldwide is social phobia. If you’d like to know why, the answer is simple – we evolved in tribes, and subsequently, we are designed to constantly assess whether or not we are useful to our tribemates. We are therefore inherently preoccupied with comparing and contrasting ourselves to others, and trying to determine where we fit in, and how we can improve our social standing. The reason why we do this is survival. If we lived in a tribe and were not concerned with our social standing (and therefore not concerned with contributing to the prosperity of our tribe), we would likely be tossed aside by our peers and left to face the elements, wild animals, and rival tribes on our lonesome. We wouldn’t last very long in that scenario. Therefore, social anxiety is nothing but a survival reflex. So, if you’ve ever felt yourself comparing yourself to others or caught yourself worrying what other people think of you, the only deduction that can reasonably be made is that you’re non-psychopathic – and therefore completely normal.

Vulnerability effectively bypasses the impacts of this anxious survival instinct because to be vulnerable, it ultimately takes courage – and courage is the most surefire way to dismantle anxiety. It is actually a necessity.

No-one particularly enjoys making themselves vulnerable because it opens them up to rejection, embarrassment, and humiliation; but do remember that courage is defined as acting in the face of fear. In other words, it takes courage to be vulnerable.  

The more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, the more we are actually decreasing the instances and impact of social anxiety; therefore, dismantling the building blocks on which loneliness exists. Vulnerability is our most powerful anxiety antidote, and the pillar upon which deep connections endure.

In order to be vulnerable, we have to own our insecurities and put them out there to the world. It is the exact opposite of pretending like we don’t have insecurities – which is why narcissists often experience the greatest instances of social isolation, loneliness, and anxiety (contrary to the popular belief that everything is hunky-dory in the narcissists world). We also have to accept others’ vulnerabilities – which comes much easier when we are comfortable with being vulnerable ourselves.

I won’t lie to you – being vulnerable is not easy. It takes an immense amount of courage, fortitude, and resolve. You’ll be opening yourself up to rejection, embarrassment, and humiliation and will likely encounter instances where you’ll experience deep regret. But trust me on this – the more you experience the downsides of vulnerability, the easier it will become to deal with. Think about how much less impactful it is to be rejected as an adult than it was when you were a kid. You’ll get good at handling it, and it will hold less power the more you experience it. Its kind of like eating chilli. The first time you try it, it’s unbearable. But with some practice, you’ll be swallowing Carolina Reapers whole without breaking a sweat! (Note: do not try this at home).  

Nothing good comes from anything easy. When we act outside of our comfort zone and make ourselves vulnerable, that’s when our true growth occurs. This is precisely why we grow exponentially through suffering, yet hardly grow at all during times of extreme contentment. We need discomfort to help us grow and become stronger. This is exactly how weightlifting works – every time you tear the microfibres of a muscle, they grow back bigger and stronger than before. Vulnerability is like weightlifting for your brain.  

There is some scientific evidence to this phenomenon too. Any time we do something we don’t want to do, we engage a very peculiar part of the brain known as the Anterior Midcingulate Cortex (AMC). This part of the brain is responsible for willpower, and it is extremely malleable. Every time we act in the face of discomfort, it grows. When we relent and give in to short-term pleasures and escapism, it shrinks. If you’re uncomfortable with being vulnerable (which is completely normal) but act despite this discomfort, you are effectively growing your AMC and gradually improving your capacity to be wilful. Interestingly, the AMC is seen to be disproportionately large in those who live beyond 100 years; so theoretically, we can reasonably conclude that this part of the brain may not only be responsible for willpower itself, but also the will to live.  

If I’ve lost you with my equations and scientific rhetoric, I don’t blame you. The concept of vulnerability is not an easy one to grasp – let alone accept – and it’s completely understandable to feel defensive, ambivalent, or confused right now. If I were to summarize this article in one sentence, it would be this:  

The more we accept vulnerability, the better our relationships will become, and the happier you’ll ultimately be.

I implore you to start embracing vulnerability. Stop fearing it – It’s the best friend you’ll ever have.

And it just might help you live a longer and more fulfilling life.

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